Twenty Simple Rules of Life in Texas

beowulf · 09-02-2008, 03:02 PM

Twenty Simple Rules of Life in Texas

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: They can't understand you either.

6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.

7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid legal defense.

8. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to shoot.

11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.

12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.

13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Texan to fix your busted head with duct tape.

14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.

15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.

16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.

17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some Texans view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.

18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

19. "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.

20. If you decide to stay in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Dr DeathZ · 09-07-2008, 09:59 AM

LMAO! We learnt you real good on how ta be a Texan thar Beo!

beowulf · 09-07-2008, 10:18 AM

Dr DeathZ · 09-07-2008, 10:20 AM

LOL The divorce kills me!

Elviswind · 09-07-2008, 05:52 PM

This is a great list . . . cracks me up every time I read it!

**PorkChopSandwiches** · 09-07-2008, 05:59 PM

I'm sure Jay can confirm this is fact

Southern Belle · 09-08-2008, 01:55 AM

All the list can work for the Carolinas too.
2. Theres a store in Fort Lawn SC that does taxes and has tanning bed.
We call it Ft Lawn tax and tan.

4. I have instructed everybody I know that will meet yorkieboy to say that to him upon introduction.

09-02-2008, 03:02 PM	#1
beowulf knee deep in sceptic..... Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Little San Francico, U.K. Posts: 36,822 Thanks: 7 Thanked 93 Times in 72 Posts	Twenty Simple Rules of Life in Texas Twenty Simple Rules of Life in Texas 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: They can't understand you either. 6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family. 7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid legal defense. 8. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say. 9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. 10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to shoot. 11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer. 12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit. 13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Texan to fix your busted head with duct tape. 14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy. 15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't. 16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark. 17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some Texans view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine. 18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 19. "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay. 20. If you decide to stay in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. __________________ http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/winky.html http://www.mattyjohn.pwp.blueyonder....GothWinky.html The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time--Bertrand Russell Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional

09-07-2008, 09:59 AM	#2
Dr DeathZ Eye sockets R sexy! Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Just this side of the Event Horizon Posts: 19,906 Thanks: 34 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	LMAO! We learnt you real good on how ta be a Texan thar Beo! __________________

09-07-2008, 10:18 AM	#3
beowulf knee deep in sceptic..... Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Little San Francico, U.K. Posts: 36,822 Thanks: 7 Thanked 93 Times in 72 Posts	__________________ http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/winky.html http://www.mattyjohn.pwp.blueyonder....GothWinky.html The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time--Bertrand Russell Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional

09-07-2008, 10:20 AM	#4
Dr DeathZ Eye sockets R sexy! Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Just this side of the Event Horizon Posts: 19,906 Thanks: 34 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	LOL The divorce kills me! __________________

09-07-2008, 05:52 PM	#5
Elviswind enjoys verbing nouns. Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Bottom of the box, looking for crumbs Posts: 3,809 Thanks: 29 Thanked 157 Times in 40 Posts	This is a great list . . . cracks me up every time I read it! __________________

09-07-2008, 05:59 PM	#6
PorkChopSandwiches Rhymes With Purple Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Online Posts: 50,807 Thanks: 5 Thanked 296 Times in 129 Posts	I'm sure Jay can confirm this is fact __________________ A Teabelly Original Visit the team PORKCHOP Comic Strip

09-08-2008, 01:55 AM	#7
Southern Belle GRITS Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: State of Confusion Posts: 17,990 Thanks: 24 Thanked 31 Times in 23 Posts	All the list can work for the Carolinas too. 2. Theres a store in Fort Lawn SC that does taxes and has tanning bed. We call it Ft Lawn tax and tan. 4. I have instructed everybody I know that will meet yorkieboy to say that to him upon introduction. __________________

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